Star date March 7

I guess a lot of you out there in Great Haven and on the information superhighway that is the Internet are wondering where I’ve been the last month. Well, it isn’t easy or fun to talk about, but part of healing and dealing is revealing. Revealing the truth, in this case, about parts of the Starchild that are a wee bit distasteful.

  1. I am an addict. I have a biological dependency on drugs and alcohol.
  2. I have been trying to heal and deal. But about one month ago, as I was closing the store, I succumbed to sweet temptation and huffed some model airplane fuel I had in the stock room. I would be lying if I said the result was anything less than the most intense pleasure possible in the universe. It was like being back in the womb, everything was safe and warm, and I could hear music playing. Flute, I think. Anyway, it was probably the best experience of my life. That’s how I knew I was in trouble.
  3. Awakening in a puddle of my own urine, phlegm and semen, I realized four things: It was noon, there was a customer banging on the door, I wasn’t wearing any pants, and I could no longer fool myself into thinking I could heal and deal without going into inpatient rehab.
  4. I immediately ran back into the stock room and huffed some model airplane fuel. Goddamn that stuff is good. Seriously. It’s like having sex with the goddess Isis while a symphony plays and all the world reaches total harmony. And it’s so easy to get.
  5. Hours later I woke up, again covered in several of my own bodily fluids, and went into inpatient rehab at Sunnyhazel Ranch. I was there for 28 days, and I learned a lot about myself and my sickness.
  6. I got out today and immediately discontinued sales of model airplanes and accessories. So all of that stuff is on clearance. Kids, if you are a hobbyist at all, I suggest buying a whole lot of model airplane fuel from me right now. I’m practically giving it away, because I just can’t trust myself around that stuff; it’s such an incredibly easy and fun high.
  7. I think I’ve got this whole addiction thing beat.

Now on to this week’s specials down at Num-Num’s, where you’ll find all your St. Patrick’s Day novelty needs …

  • All “Kiss me, I’m Irish” merchandise is 20 percent off listed price (excluding T-shirts, hats and buttons). Simultaneously display your Celtic pride and your awkward approach to the opposite sex with the slogan “Kiss me, I’m Irish”!
  • Buy any two St. Patrick’s Day novelty cards and get a free half-gallon of model airplane fuel.
  • 20 percent off “Sexy Lady Leprechaun’s Luck of the Irish Catholic Schoolgirl” costumes. What better way to celebrate your Irish-Catholic heritage?! (The green plaid of the skirt hides virtually all forms of vomit stain!)

And that’s it for the Starchild right now. I’ve got to go set up my cot in the stock room. Turns out I got evicted for nonpayment of rent while I was at Sunnyhazel. I’ll be fine, though. I’m checking out those new “singles” condos outside of town. Now that’s what I call good living!

See ya on the flipside, homies!