Slake Issue 4 Tuesday, Mar 27 2012 


Dateline: Mystery! Thursday, Nov 1 2007 

Star Date Nov. 1, 2007

Hello, loyal readers and (former?) Num-Num’s customers. It is I, the Star Child, coming at you from lord knows where. Last I remember, I was stopping by the store after hours to do inventory in April. I walked through the unlocked door, thinking I must have left it open (forgetful ol’ me!). And it turns out my beloved, Maggie Sultry, was in there.

She was passed out on the floor in the stockroom with blue lips and a paper bag full of model airplane fuel. It was apparent she had succumbed to the sweet escape of “the fumes.” I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that I’m a rehabilitated fumer myself, so I personally know and understand the allure. I’d say I was disappointed with her but, you know, “glass houses” and all. Anyway there she was on the floor with her paper bag and a big sh** stain on her leg. She was more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen.

Then I heard someone else from behind me yell something. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, with a brick in his hand. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the dark on a moving train. My head hurt and so did my pride as it became apparent that somehow I had misjudged Maggie and let her take advantage of me. Then the train stopped.

I still don’t know where it stopped, but I had a pretty good beard growing, so it’s safe to say we were no longer anywhere near Great Haven. I got up from the straw-covered floor of the train car and started trying to open the door. It was locked. Then some guys came and opened it and grabbed me and carried me into this warehouse.

Since then, I’ve been sorting and categorizing shellfish in a candlelit room while burly men shout at me in a language I don’t understand. I only get to sleep two hours a night, and my sole source of nourishment is the briny water in the bottom of the shellfish bins. It’s kind of like bouillabaisse, which everyone knows is wholly intolerable without a crisp ale. I don’t have any ale here in my bouillabasement — my sense of whimsy can’t be beaten out of me, and I have taken to calling my little shellfish room “the bouillabasement” — crisp or otherwise.

So, getting to the point …

The burly men were wearing viking costumes on Friday and munching on candy corn. Through an hourlong session of hand gestures and unwarranted beatings, they were able to explain to me that it was nearly Halloween. I was overjoyed, as Halloween has always been my favorite holiday and the busiest for Num-Num’s.

Through another hourlong session of hand gestures and uncontrolled bladder releases, I was able to explain to them that I owned a novelty store in Great Haven and wrote a well-regarded blog on the subject. Seeing as I don’t know where I am and haven’t seen daylight in months, they knew I couldn’t lead readers to my rescue. And they let me out to write this blog post.

So Happy Halloween, Great Havenites!

Everything is free this week at Num-Num’s if indeed it’s still open! And if you see Maggie in there, tell her I still love her and don’t blame her for my situation. It’s not her fault; those fumes sure make people do some crazy things.

That’s Love in the Air, Not Model Airplane Fuel Fumes Friday, Apr 6 2007 

Star Date April 5

Howdy out there, Star-watchers. Sorry it’s been so long since I updated this site for you. It’s been a busy week around Num-Num’s what with April Fool’s and all.

I’ve also been preoccupied with the new love of my life. … No, not model airplane fuel. I’m still on the wagon as far as that goes. I’m talking, instead, about the light of my loins, the sun in my sky, the Cool Ranch on my Doritos, Miss Margaret Sultry. Those of you who have seen Sarnac the Magnificient down at the Pitch ‘N’ Putt might know Miss Sultry as the best damn magician’s assistant in town. Well, I know her as the best damn woman in town, period! (No offense, Mom!)

I met Maggie “in the program.” And, though it’s frowned upon by recovery experts (sticks in the mud), we started seeing each other almost immediately. She doesn’t mind that I tell people how we met, so I think it’s also fair game to divulge the reason she is “in the program” to begin with … wait for it … MODEL AIRPLANE FUEL! … I know, I know, it’s like a match made in co-depency heaven, which I would imagine is actually a lot like the Highway 37 Rest Stop right outside Great Haven.

But I digress.

The great thing about Mags is that she understands where I’ve been, and I understand where she’s been. Because it’s the same place — a pool of our own fluids. And we’re much happier now, in each other’s fluids. I’ve even been thinking about hiring her at the store. She’s always spending so much time there anyway, mostly in the stockroom, sorting what’s left of the closeout airplane fuel stock.

Anyway, Great Havenites, I think this is going to work. This is the chapter in “The Book of Jeffrey Starmichael” where the hero finally finds happiness. And that happiness looks really sexy in a sequined leotard.

No specials this week. Instead, out of appreciation for the eight weeks I’ve been able to stay off “the fumes,” I’m taking 8 percent off of all merchandise.

Come on by and celebrate with me and Mags Sultry. She wears that leotard every day, and you won’t want to miss it!

Whither the Starchild? Wednesday, Mar 7 2007 

Star date March 7

I guess a lot of you out there in Great Haven and on the information superhighway that is the Internet are wondering where I’ve been the last month. Well, it isn’t easy or fun to talk about, but part of healing and dealing is revealing. Revealing the truth, in this case, about parts of the Starchild that are a wee bit distasteful.

  1. I am an addict. I have a biological dependency on drugs and alcohol.
  2. I have been trying to heal and deal. But about one month ago, as I was closing the store, I succumbed to sweet temptation and huffed some model airplane fuel I had in the stock room. I would be lying if I said the result was anything less than the most intense pleasure possible in the universe. It was like being back in the womb, everything was safe and warm, and I could hear music playing. Flute, I think. Anyway, it was probably the best experience of my life. That’s how I knew I was in trouble.
  3. Awakening in a puddle of my own urine, phlegm and semen, I realized four things: It was noon, there was a customer banging on the door, I wasn’t wearing any pants, and I could no longer fool myself into thinking I could heal and deal without going into inpatient rehab.
  4. I immediately ran back into the stock room and huffed some model airplane fuel. Goddamn that stuff is good. Seriously. It’s like having sex with the goddess Isis while a symphony plays and all the world reaches total harmony. And it’s so easy to get.
  5. Hours later I woke up, again covered in several of my own bodily fluids, and went into inpatient rehab at Sunnyhazel Ranch. I was there for 28 days, and I learned a lot about myself and my sickness.
  6. I got out today and immediately discontinued sales of model airplanes and accessories. So all of that stuff is on clearance. Kids, if you are a hobbyist at all, I suggest buying a whole lot of model airplane fuel from me right now. I’m practically giving it away, because I just can’t trust myself around that stuff; it’s such an incredibly easy and fun high.
  7. I think I’ve got this whole addiction thing beat.

Now on to this week’s specials down at Num-Num’s, where you’ll find all your St. Patrick’s Day novelty needs …

  • All “Kiss me, I’m Irish” merchandise is 20 percent off listed price (excluding T-shirts, hats and buttons). Simultaneously display your Celtic pride and your awkward approach to the opposite sex with the slogan “Kiss me, I’m Irish”!
  • Buy any two St. Patrick’s Day novelty cards and get a free half-gallon of model airplane fuel.
  • 20 percent off “Sexy Lady Leprechaun’s Luck of the Irish Catholic Schoolgirl” costumes. What better way to celebrate your Irish-Catholic heritage?! (The green plaid of the skirt hides virtually all forms of vomit stain!)

And that’s it for the Starchild right now. I’ve got to go set up my cot in the stock room. Turns out I got evicted for nonpayment of rent while I was at Sunnyhazel. I’ll be fine, though. I’m checking out those new “singles” condos outside of town. Now that’s what I call good living!

See ya on the flipside, homies!

The First Step Is the Hardest Wednesday, Feb 7 2007 

Good day, loyal readers and customers. It’s me again, Jeffrey Starmichael, the Star Child, owner of Num-Num’s novelty store here in beautiful Great Haven.

I apologize for not updating the old Starblog sooner. I have been working with counselors in an outpatient alcohol-and-drug-treatment program.

It turns out your old buddy the Star Child is an alcoholic and a PCP addict. But that’s OK. That’s what I am, but it’s not whoI am. It’s a disease like any other disease, be it lupus, strep throat or SIDS. And the way to combat this disease is by admitting it and facing it head on, one day at a time. Just like SIDS.

So here I am admitting it. I cannot take just one drink. I cannot smoke just one joint laced with angel dust like normal people. I am an addict, and that’s OK because I recognize it and am going to beat it.

Now, I don’t want this blog to become the “Watch Jeffrey Starmichael fight addiction” stop on the information superhighway. This blog is about my store, Num-Num’s, and the town of Great Haven. I just needed to get that other stuff out of the way.

Now, on to this week’s gag-gift and novelty bargains down at Num-Num’s:

  • All Christmas-themed novelties are half off. This includes fake vomit with candy cane bits, ladies’ Horny Little Elf costumes and the popular “Kiss me under the cameltoe” T-shirts with pictures of mistletoe and cartoon camels
  • Buy two get one free on ladies’ Horny Little Cupid costumes
  • Five dollars off PCP

Thank you, Great Haven, for all of your prayers and wishes. Together, we’ll beat this horrible disease.
Shop at Num-Num’s! Scwhing!

An Apology Wednesday, Jan 24 2007 

Star date Jan. 24

Good evening, friends and readers. This is Jeffrey Starmichael, proprietor of Num-Num’s novelty shop and author of this blog.

It is with much earnestness and contrition that I write this post. It has been a difficult few days.

I refer, of course, to my maiden post of earlier this week, in which I wrote many hurtful, hurtful things. For instance, rather than just stick to shop news or a list of special values, I for some reason felt the need to lash out at my ex-girlfriend Tonya. It was not appropriate to refer to Tonya as someone who “goes around humping any barstool she can find whenever she gets a half pint of ripple into her.” Further, it was unnecessary and hurtful of me to bring up the time she came home smelling like “that asshole Jake’s cologne,” and it was completely out of bounds for me to threaten Tonya by saying “I swear to god, baby, if you go anywhere near him, I’ll kill your dumb ass.”

Such language is not appropriate for The Star Blog or for anyone associated with the Num-Num’s family, and I regret using it. As we all know, however, it was not the language but the sentiment that was most innappropriate. To suggest that I would physically hurt any woman, especially the woman I spent the best three weeks of my life with, is completely out of character for me, The Star Child.

It was obvious by the tone of the blog entry and by its many misspellings that I was under the influence of alcohol and PCP. This is no excuse for such shoddy behavior, and for this, too, I apologize.

I sincerely hope that the Great Haven community, both customers and my fellow business owners, will give me another chance at earning their respect. I have entered an alcohol and drug outpatient rehabilitation program, and I appreciate all of your prayers for my continued sobriety.

Now, I would like to list some more of this week’s special values at Num-Num’s:

  • All fake boobs and butts are 25 percent off. Limit 3 pairs of fake boobs and 4 fake butts.
  • All “… and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” T-shirts are buy-one-get-one-free, excepting the new “I got called a whore by Jeffrey Starmichael on his blog and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” T-shirts, which are full price due to great demand.
  • All Halloween mask prices are slashed by 10 percent to 25 percent.

Thank you in advance, Great Haven, for your forgiveness and help through this very difficult time.

Jeffrey “The Star Child” Starmichael

Jeffrey “The Star Child” Starmichael’s Starry Starry Blog! Tuesday, Jan 23 2007 

Hey, hey crazy kids!!!!! This is Jeffrey Starmichael coming at ya!!!!

That’s right, Grrrrrrreat Haven, The Star Child has started his own website where he (I) will write about everything and anything I want to. Mostly, though, just Num-Num’s my sweet-ass novelty shop here in the town of GRRRRRREAT HaVEN!!!!!!!!

In honor of the Star Blog launch, I’m going to start a new feature on the Star Blog. It’s a list of some of this week’s very best specials of the week!!!! LOL!!!!

Lots of new items down at Num-Num’s this week. Here’s just a few of our current special values:

  • The Britney Spears caesarean scar! We’ve all seen it. Now you can wear it!!! Just stick it on your abdomen with the novelty adhesive (half off large tube with purchase of scar!!!). $14.95
  • Dirty Valentine’s Day cards starting at $1.95. (By the way The Star Child believes its no conicidience that Valentines Day abbreviated is VD. Be safe out there, huh, kids. No glove no love.)
  • (last but not least) Great Haven t-shirts 1/2 off!!!! And, no, I’m not talking about Tonya down at the Dusty Nickel Bar & Grille, whose T-shirt is always at least half off!!!! Zing!!!! (It’s funny because it’s true. But, Tonya if you’re reading this: I still love you, baby. If you take me back things will be different. I’ll stop drinking so much and I won’t get all paranoid when you get home late. Even if you do smell like that asshole Jake’s cologne. God damn I could kill that sumbitch. I swear to god, baby, if you go anywhere near him I’ll kill your dumb ass, too!)

And that’s it for this week specials down at Num-Num’s.

In closing, I’d like to say that it is an honor and a privilege to server the great community of Great HAven with this new websit. And, I’d also like to furthermore state that I am not drunk right now (Did you hear that Tonya?!?!) Just because I drink doesn’t mean I’m durnk. Some people can hold thier liquor (Unlike you, Tonya. Who goes around humping any barstool she can find whenever she gets a half pint of ripple into her. Listen, I’m sorry, baby. I love you. It’s the Jim Beam talking. You know you and me are menat to be together for ever. Call me. CALLL ME!!!!)

And for the rest of you out there in the Great Haven: Remember: If you didn’t get it at Num-Num’s, you’re a dumb-dumb.

— Jeffrey “The Star Child” Starmichael